The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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