I cannot find my penis.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
