Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
