so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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