i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
