Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The Olympian is in my bed
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
