by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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