hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
