I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
