Hey man sorry I got all grabby
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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