Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She's the barista slut.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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