At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I DEMAND FORESKIN
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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