Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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