before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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