At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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