Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
