You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
