i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
