Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
