did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
she peed on how many people?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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