omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
