My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
