it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
