A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
