i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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