She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
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