Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
