I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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