she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
It's official drugs can't kill me
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
