He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
