So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Every concussion has its silver lining
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
