Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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