i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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