at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
