i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
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