there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
