remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Randomize
