I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Randomize
