thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
