saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
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