Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
