whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
