You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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