Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
