I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
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