I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
