did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
