I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
