I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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