Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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