i think i have two assholes
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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